nineveh_uk (nineveh_uk) wrote,

But not this day! Oh, hang on…

I have been imagining how various film plots would go were the protagonists to be replaced by the man gunning for “Craven of the Decade”, Boris Johnson*. What a pity he went to Kabul rather than Samarra.

The Return of the King Johnson gets everyone to march to the Black Gates, gives a speech about how they’re going to stand against Mordor and it’s worth it even if they all die, and then leaps onto a specially chartered eagle leaving them as the gate opens.

Of course, this film never exists on account of…

The Fellowship of the Ring ‘I will take the Ring to Mordor. Only kidding!’

High Noon As the strains of Do Not Forsake Me, O My Darlin’ ring out over the town and the clock ticks towards noon and the arrival of the gang leader after his release from prison, Boris grabs his wife’s ticket, shoves her off the train, and choo-choos his way to safety.

Joan of Arc See The Return of the King, but substitute Orléans for Mordor.

The Usual Suspects Boris is interviewed for hours by the police. At the end they realise he has told them a load of bullshit, but are powerless to do anything about it. Oh wait…

I'm sure that there are many more.

*Though he faces competition from Theresa May for her cowardice in not sacking him, I'd argue that Johnson is far more brazen. He positively glories in being a bloviating weasel.

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Tags: politics, real life
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