Having whinged at length yesterday about corporate-speak in job adverts, it occurred to me that these days, Death Bredon would never have got a job at Pym's Publicity. At least, not without going through a lengthy recruitment process.
“Thank you, Mr Bredon,” observed Mr Pym. “Your CV is certainly most impressive. However we at Pym’s Publicity never appoint anybody to a position without first requiring them to undertake a full portfolio of psychometric testing, personal calibration exercises, and Find Your Niche! questionnaires in order to ascertain just which particular position in our organisation is not only right for us, but right for you!
“Sounds fascinatin’,” said Bredon. “But if you would indulge my curiosity – dreadful habit, curiosity; incurable, too – when did you introduce this most interestin’ regime?”
“Oh, about two years ago.”
“Did you perhaps accompany it with the institution of performance-related pay, peer appraisal, and compulsory away days at Margate?”
“Why, Mr Bredon! I see that I am speaking to a fellow believer! You are quite right. I am particularly proud of our “Parachute Club” outings promoting self-development and team-building.”
“I don’t suppose,” said Bredon with some diffidence, “that it was the late lamented Mr Dean who introduced these jolly schemes?”
“It was indeed,” said Pym. “You can imagine how hard his loss has hit out Human Capital department. Why, the copywriters have still not had their peer appraisal!”
“Hmm. Well, I’m terribly sorry, Pym old boy, but I really don’t think that I can take the case. I’ve had a good chinwag with the copywriters, and a look at the fearfully knobbly iron staircase, and I’m afraid that there’s no doubt about it – poor old Dean was the author of his own end. A piece of advice, if I may – fearfully impertinent of me, I’m sure – but I hear that the latest edition of Our Forwarding Together! raises doubts about peer appraisal – rather stressful for the HC chaps, donchaknow, and failing to deal with immediate problems in the way that a daily Unstructured Team Mutual Orientation meeting does. They recommend eleven as the best time – creative juices flowing and all that. I’m sure you’ll see it work wonders for morale. Well, toodle-pip!”
The ever-reliable Ladies Against Feminism continues to provide its sure-fire cure for low blood pressure. This week I am amused/horrified by But I Am Submissive!
Be on the lookout this week for manipulative reactions to your husband’s requests. If he asks you to do something (that is not sinful) and you get the urge to show your disapproval with a healthy dose of the “silent treatment,” repent right away and out loud. Confess to your husband right then and there that you were tempted to control him by ignoring him and ask him to hold you accountable.
Oh yes, tell him you've been a bad girl and want punishing! Kiss that rod! Hold me accountable, baby!
Still not as mind-boggling as the LAF review of the BBC's North and South, though.